Category Archives: Call Me Cait

Caitlyn’s Lexus sputtered to a halt, the gas gauge on empty.
She was still a few blocks away from Candis’ home. The two were having a slumber party, and Caitlyn was dressed flirtatiously in a short satin kimono robe.
“Guess I’ll have to walk,” she muttered, not looking forward to a stroll in her spikey heels. But it felt quite pleasant to be outside surrounded by the darkness. She imagined Candis greeting her at the door in a sexy outfit…
“Hey beautiful, what’s up?”
Caitlyn looked to her side. A car had pulled up, driven by a man with a lusty grin. “How much for a handjob?” he asked.
How dare he mistake her for a common streetwalker! But wait a minute—Hadn’t she learned in her transgender consciousness-raising discussions that sex work could be a viable profession?
“Um, $100,” she answered, not sure if the amount was too high or too low.
“Hop in,” said the guy.
She scoped him out. He looked normal enough, and if he did try anything she was sure she could win in a fight.
By the time she got in the car, he had his pants pulled to his knees. She gingerly grabbed his raging boner. “Oh, baby,” he moaned.
Emboldened by his response, she began jerking him with more confidence and strength. After a few minutes, he ecstatically climaxed.
“Do you have a Kleenex?” she asked. She wiped off her sticky hand and got out of the car.
What a thrilling and empowering experience! There was nothing wrong with selling sex, it was all perfectly…
Screech! The car’s engine squealed as the driver took off.
“Goddammit!” she screamed. She had forgot to get her money!

“Group hug!” yelled Caitlyn.
On cue, she and her trans posse—Candis, Chandi and Blossom—cuddled in the dressing room of a Hollywood strip club. They were all dressed in peekaboo lingerie, ready to be filmed for a new episode of I Am Cait.
“I’m shaking like a leaf,” confessed Caitlyn. “But exploring my female sensuality is a vital part of my journey. Thank you all for helping me.”
Candis went first, strutting down the club’s runway and executing a majestic spin on the stripper pole. Some male extras had been hired to play audience members, and one of them stuck a $20 bill in Candis’ lacy bra as she lowered her ample cleavage for him.
Chandi followed, but her routine was less graceful as she slipped and landed on her behind. She saved the moment by energetically dry humping the runway. “Yes, Chandi, work it!” yelled Blossom.
Now it was Caitlyn’s turn. She took a deep breath, then headed down the runway, swaying her hips in a deliberately provocative manner. Upon reaching the pole she grabbed it with both hands, lifted her entire body off the ground and did three complete spins in a row. Everyone in the room gasped at her strength!
As she landed, there was a handsome gentlemen waiting to give her a tip.
“Like what you see?” purred Caitlyn, as she pulled down the elastic waistband of her pink thong.
“Yes, I do,” answered her admirer. As he reached forward, Caitlyn grabbed his hand and stuffed it inside her thong. His eyes went wide as he felt her crotch.
She knew her actions would be too X-rated to air, but she was living the fantasy. Never before had she felt so sexually liberated…

“What did you think?” asked Caitlyn. She and her trans “sisters” Candis Cayne and Laverne Cox had just watched the debut of “My Name is Cait” in a screening room at E! studios.
“Very affirming,” said Laverne. “You’re helping demystify the trans experience.”
“Whatever,” muttered Candis, rolling her eyes. She put her arm around Caitlyn. ““I can’t wait until the episode where we go roller-skating. It’s too bad they couldn’t include you in the show, Laverne.”
Laverne sneered. “My schedule is very busy. Something you wouldn’t know anything about.”
“Now girls…” said Caitlyn, trying to calm the situation. Why were her gals pals being so catty?”
Candis wasn’t done. “Listen, Laverne, if it wasn’t for me paving the way you’d still be slinging chow mein at Lucky Cheng’s.”
“Thanks, grandma,” shot back Laverne.
“You bitch!,” yelled Candis, as she lunged towards Laverne and slapped her across the face! Laverne quickly recovered and began pulling Candis’s thick mane of hair. “I’ll kill you,” she screamed.
Caitlyn couldn’t believe it! “Girls, we’re all in this together!” she yelled. “Stop it, stop it!”
Suddenly Candis and Laverne burst out laughing. And look who had just entered the room—Ashton Kutcher! “We’re back,” he exclaimed. “For another episode of “Punk’d Strikes Again!”
“Oh my God…You darn trouble-makers!,” said Caitlyn, as she started laughing, too.” I’m going to have to give you two girls a spanking!”

“My guest tonight is Caitlyn Jenner, making his—I mean her—first appearance on FOX News,” said Sean Hannity. He was smirking, and his mix-up was obviously on purpose.
“As a fellow Republican I’m pleased to be here,” answered Caitlyn.
“Did you say fellow?” chuckled Sean.
Caitlyn grinned, but she wasn’t happy. Why was he making fun of her when they shared the same political beliefs?
“So I’m guessing your mom must be pretty upset about your sex change,” continued Sean.
“No, she’s actually very happy, and I…”
“Is she senile?” interrupted Sean. “Or blind?”
Caitlyn slowly stood up. “How dare you talk about my mother.”
Sean wouldn’t stop. “What you going to do? Hit me with your big man hands?”
“You fucking asshole,” bellowed Caitlyn. Pow! Her fist hit his mouth and he went flying off the desk.” She turned around and faced the camera, raising her bloody fist to the air.
“Trans Power!,” she yelled, “Trans Power!” Her political awakening had begun…

Eddie Murphy sorted through the day’s mail—bills, invites, and the new copy of Vanity Fair with a foxy covergirl showing off her perky breasts.
He gasped when he realized it was Bruce Jenner.
“Call Me Caitlyn” was the coverline. “He” was now a “she.”
“Damn right I’m gonna give you a call,” thought Eddie, as he scrolled through his phone’s VIP address book. He hadn’t been so turned on in years…

“Please welcome very special guest Bruce Jenner,” said RuPaul.
Bruce smiled bright from the judges’ table, then fixed his eyes on the runway. This week’s challenge was “Bikini Madness.”
Pearl came out first. “Your thong looks ass-tatstic,” bellowed Michelle Visage.
Damn right, thought Bruce. Underneath the table, he slid open the slit of his maxi dress and began fondling himself.
Next contestant was Violet Chachki, her perky butt cheeks also completely exposed.
Bruce couldn’t take it anymore.“Ahhhh,” he moaned loudly as he orgasmed.
“I’ll have what he’s having,” quipped RuPaul, and everyone giggled…