Caitlyn Jenner steered her Porsche into the underground garage. Waiting for her was the maid, Teresa.
“Greetings señora,” she said, “Come with me.”
She let Caitlyn to the mansion’s living room with its stunning view of the Hollywood Hills. Sitting on the couch in a floral-patterned caftan was a woman with incredibly frizzy hair. But where was Richard?
“Caitlyn, don’t you recognize me? It’s Richard Simmons! But now you can call me Fiona!”
“Oh my God! Is that the big news you wanted to share with me?”
“Yes, it is!” shrieked Fiona as she jumped up and pulled down her caftan. “How do you like my new boobies?”
“Wow, they’re even bigger than mine! Is this why you’ve been hiding from the public?”
“You’re darn tootin it is! But I’m coming back! Gonna do the big reveal on April 26th. The public is going to go nuts!” Fiona started twirling around the room.
Caitlyn gasped. “But that’s the same date that my autobiography The Secrets of My Life is being released! You’ve got to change your plans.”
“Forget it! Barbra Streisand is introducing me at my press conference. I’m over the moon!”
“Listen, Fiona. I’m America’s number one trans woman and there’s no way you’re going to upstage me.”
“Honey, you’re yesterday’s news. Move over, bitch, ‘cause it’s time for me to fly!”
“Why you little…!” Caitlyn charged towards Fiona, knocking her to the ground. “I’ll kill you!” she screamed as she grabbed her by the neck. Fiona frantically struggled to get free… She was going to die!
Bong!
Caitlyn went limp to the ground. Fiona looked up to see Teresa holding a frying pan.
“Teresa, you saved me! You’ve always been my protector!”
Teresa sneered. “Stop with the sap, you worm. You know what to do.”
“Yes, mommy,” obediently whispered Fiona. She crawled over to the maid and began licking her stiletto heel. As always, Teresa was in charge…

 

Yesterday before my Bingo gig, I stopped by Love Shine, the wonderful gift and accessories store in the East Village.

It was a bittersweet visit—After many years in business, the store is closing due to a rent increase.

 

With owner Mark Seamon.

 

But you can still buy Love Shine merchandise. They’re shifting their businees to the Internet. Check ’em out!

 

Last night I went to The Legend of Yma Sumac, a multi-media tribute to the Peruvian diva, who was famed for her operatic singing voice.

 

Yma!

 

Directed by Steve Willis, the show weaves historical film footage and lipsynching musical numbers performed by stunningly beautiful drag performer Scarlet Envy (who’s also very sweet, damn her!)

 

Director Steve Willis and Scarlet Envy.

 

The show is great! A visual and aural delight!

You can still it. The final show is on March 29th.

 

I’ve never really been that interested in my genealogy, but one of my cousins reminded me lately that my great-grandfather on my father’s side was an Irish immigrant. He came to this country via Canada and never got his American citizenship. I’m a descendent of an illegal immigrant.

Happy St. Pat’s Day!